Saturday, 28 July 2007

do neon lights cancel out the sun?

I'm tired because i have been working all week and now it is saturday and i still have to come in to work. there are barely any windows in the building and it makes me angry because im already concerned that everyone is suffering from unseasonal S.A.D, and surely working somewhere like this just isn't going to help. Last night i went to the harbour to see toots and the maytails. it drove me a bit nuts. i hate the harbour festival, i really do. there were so many people crammed in to this small space and the sound was completely fuct because of it. the set went on for hours, and i felt so confused. i knew that they were really good, and that it was exciting to see such an important band. but after an hour and a half i felt like i was fuct at a really good techno night - that i knew i should stay and here the amazing beats, but if i hear one more boom of a bass i'll throw up and just want to go home.
myspace is flashing up this ad asking me if i'm the ultimate skins fan. well, no buddy, im not im afraid. i grew up in bristol and after seeing an advert for skins i thought to myself, as i remember it there was more dirt. i felt like, this is a programme that wants to be 'wow, look, we're telling the truth about young people's lives.' but i don't believe young people's lives are that much fun. most the time it is just a lot of awkwardness, and trying on new fashions and music tastes in an awkward way, and getting drunk when you're underage in an effort to dispell feelings of awkwardness, and then tricky and awkward sexual encounters that you wake up from wondering why you don't suddenly have this new found confidence and you look down at your body and think, is this it. sex seems like a gift given to you to make you think that actually your body isn't wrong and your mind is ok too, and then it happens and it doesn't make you feel any better. it just makes you feel, awkward. they all seem so shiny and sure of themselves. i growl at them and say they are too young to be so shiny and sure of themselves, they need another eighteen months! maybe some teenagers are like that.
i was going to my friend's house on the bus once and there was a group of teenage girls on the back seat. i had been up most the night and was feeling like there were too many things i really shouldn't have done at this party. Sometimes you come out of a party and you know that you shouldn't have done what you did, but you had fun doin it? well, this was a party where i wasn't even sure that it was right as it was happening. Anyway, back to the teenage girls. They were laughing really loudly about everything everyone said. My head being what it was, this was infuriating enough. But the horrible part was that the laughter was so empty. none of them were really finding anything amusing, but they wanted to prove to everyone around them that they were alright really, they were having fun and life was good. but it just seemed so desperately sad. i remember being that. laughing at what wasn't funny to try and prove to myself that it was all ok.
it is meant to be horrible, being a teenager, skins should learn that! it makes the your twenties so much more fun...

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