Thursday, 25 January 2007

learning curves of acceptance

crooked rib is beginning people
i wrote this today. this morning. i don't know. maybe?

Learning curves of acceptance

When youre young and the first time it happens and you keep quiet because you are young and you think if you keep quiet and dont make a fuss then it will be ok, you know how to behave although you dont know how you know, you just feel that this is the way it has to be.
And a few years later when it has happened again and again and again and you keep quiet and you dont make a fuss because once more you know that it is the only way to behave because to behave other ways is as ineffective as to behave this way.
And you look at yourself in the mirror and you see that you have the same face but that your eyes are different and they look at the world with less wideness and the cheekbones that once opened up to all have sharpened to razors that you hope they will cut themselves upon.
And you judge each piece with a harshness that you learnt that first time back all those years ago when your body and its face first became the weapon that it is today to hurt you and others.
And you ask those damn questions that you indulge in so desperately even though you are perfectly sensible on the surface, even though you are perfectly perfect and calm on the surface.
You pull at the skin that lies over the belly that for a few weeks there you thought was lovely and ask if it is because you have put on that little bit of weight or because before you lost all that weight or because your breasts that you so admired may actually have turned out to be a little too little after all or that weekend when that spot appeared and marred your otherwise odd little face with the cheekbones poised to attack.
And because it has happened again and you are so bored now of it happening again and you cant say what it is and you smile and you laugh and make everything ok because that is the role you have to play. You keep up the appearance of making sure everyone around you remains comfortable and that way no one need feel uncomfortable because that is the way you have to behave and then no one gets hurt.
You drink that extra shot and the next day ache in body but it is your mind that aches more because it is those times when the danger comes and you are frightened that you didnt behave well, you didnt behave how you are supposed to and maybe for a moment you gave up the truth.
You throw yourself into bed with people to try and fuck it out of your system and know that what you are doing is wrong and that you are treating the one on the other end of your body in the crass way that you so fear to be treated yourself but you find it so hard to care.
Because after the first time it happens the first time when you are young and you learn not to let anyone know how you feel like you are withering inside and that with each extra moment when you see the other and the other with the other it is like the layer of skin that worries you over your belly starts to stretch and melt over hips which swell and grow over the thighs that drip to the floor whilst the breasts shrivel and die and you want to crawl into the accepted body on that beloved arm and the accepted face just so you could know once more how that felt like.
Because after the first time it happens and the first time when you are young and you learn how to behave you know that the only thing that matters is that the other never learns of this feeling and that they remain safe from the neuroses that plague your silly female mind.
Because if they knew then that might hurt them and if you hurt them you might lose them, but more importantly you have to keep them safe from what you are feeling, because after the first time it happens you learn that that is what counts.
And when you are young and you think it is happening for the first time until you realise that you have always known this.

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